“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself”
-Franklin D. Roosevelt
Writing is a
silly thing to be afraid of, but there it is. Sometimes I hate it.
I hate feeling this weight that is “the project” hanging over my
head, blocking the sun and threatening to crush me some time soon.
When I first sit down to write, the weight lands on
my shoulders, daring me to move, daring me to be good.
And so I put it off.
I wait. “No, not just yet,” I say. “I don't quite feel it
yet. Another half an hour or so, then maybe I'll start.” I fumble
around for something else to do with my free time, some other way to
be productive and get myself to feel like I'm making progress, to put
myself in a positive frame of mind. A lot of the time I am
unsuccessful and just end up fumbling, not finding anything to settle
on. Then I feel a little panicked. My mind spreads out like a
patient etherized upon a table. Everything clogs up. I think about
writing again, but, “No, how could I write in this state? My mind
isn't focused.” Then maybe I watch something to try and calm down.
Reading might actually be a better antidote, and sometimes I do
read, but at the end of an episode, or chapter, or worse, a string of
youtube videos, after all that I am, at best, back where I started.
Except now it's at least two hours later, and what have I really done
with my time? I wasn't productive, I felt emotionally sick, and
because of this, didn't actually enjoy what I read or watched. Now I
feel personally like a waste of time. Great.
It's stupid. I'm stupid. Why do this
to myself? Why go through the same cycle again?
Right now I'm writing this instead of
working on my novel. I picked up my laptop to write, and this
happened. I felt like I needed to examine the state while I was in
it, to share it, because maybe this sounds familiar to you. What do
you do to fix this problem?
You write.
Full stop.
You
shut up, you open the doc, and you just write.
What are you afraid of? Hmm? Let's examine that. Bad writing,
right? Yeah, but it's not just that. What's going on is slightly
more nuanced. I'm afraid of not
good writing.
Of lack-luster, dull drudgery. He went here and he did this then he
did this . . . I'm afraid of sitting there feeling worthless as I
plunk down one uninspired line after the other. In the years I've
spent learning how to write, this has been a very real experience.
But every time I sit down and just
write,
once I get started I always feel better, because I'm making
progress—some kind of progress. Why won't that sink in?
If
you ever feel like I do, recognize when you fall
into this pattern.
Step back. Make some space, and say to yourself, “There I go
again. There's that stupid pattern.” Now decide
to change.
Don't run away. Whatever it is, deal with the problem directly.
Realize, “I'm avoiding writing right now. Writing is what I want
to be doing,” and then do
it. Don't think so god damn much. Drop the weight. Fuck fear.
Write.
You'll feel better.
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